Caregiver Guilt
Have you ever had feelings of guilt while caring for a loved one with dementia? If you answered “yes,” then you are not alone. The experience of caregiving often comes with emotional and physical strain. Feelings of guilt are a normal yet difficult response to process. Recognizing and understanding the source of the guilt is the first step towards finding a way to cope with these feelings.
Here are some of the more common reasons caregivers give for feeling guilty.
Not Doing Enough: You might feel guilty for not being able to provide as much mental stimulation or physical care as you would like for your loved one, even though you are already stretched thin.
As a caregiver, you may feel like you’re not doing enough for your loved one. The demands of caregiving can feel overwhelming, and despite your best efforts, you may feel like you are falling short.
Neglecting Personal Needs: You might feel guilty for taking a break, going out with friends, or engaging in a hobby, because you feel like you should always be available to care for your loved one.
Caregivers often prioritize the needs of their loved one over their own. This self-sacrifice can lead to burnout, but it can also trigger guilt when caregivers feel like they’re neglecting their own health, relationships, or personal needs.
Emotional Exhaustion: You might snap at your loved one, only to feel deep guilt afterward because you know they cannot help their behavior or condition.
The emotional strain of caring for someone with dementia can lead to frustration, sadness, and even anger. Caregivers may feel guilty for having these negative emotions, as they might think they should always be patient, loving, and understanding.
Changes in the Relationship: You might feel frustrated about not being able to communicate with your loved one in the same way you once could. This can lead to feeling guilty, as you know realistically this is out of their control.
Dementia can change the dynamics of a relationship. As a caregiver, you might feel guilty for not being able to interact with your loved one the way you used to or for feeling frustrated by the changes in your loved one’s behavior. If you’re a daughter, you might be experiencing the challenges of role reversal. If you’re a spouse, you might feel resentful that your retirement years are not what you envisioned.
Considering Outside Help: You may feel guilty about moving your loved on into a nursing home, even though it might be the best option for both of you.
Many caregivers struggle with the decision to seek outside help, such as hiring professional caregivers, moving their loved one into a memory care facility, or asking for help from other family members. They may feel guilty for "abandoning" their loved one or feel like they’re not living up to the expectation of being the primary caregiver.
Wishing for Relief: You might feel guilty for wishing you loved one would pass away, as it would bring an end to your physical and emotional exhaustion.
Some caregivers may secretly wish for the burden of caregiving to end, even if that means the death of their loved one. This is a form of "caregiver burnout," but it can trigger intense guilt. They may feel ashamed for harboring such thoughts, even though it’s a natural and understandable response to extreme stress.
Social Isolation: You might avoid social gatherings, due to feeling guilty for leaving your loved on or not being “present” for them.
Caregivers may feel guilty about missing social events or not spending time with friends and other family members, as they feel they should be fully committed to caring for their loved one.
Difficulty with Behavioral Changes: You may feel guilty for not handling these behaviors in a calm and effective way, even though these behaviors are often beyond anyone’s control.
As dementia progresses, a loved one may exhibit behaviors such as aggression, wandering, or incontinence, which can be difficult to manage.
Strategies for coping with caregiver guilt
Accept limitations and acknowledge that it is okay to ask for help.
Prioritize self-care.
Change negative thoughts: Give yourself “caregiver grace.”
Give yourself permission to make mistakes.
Don’t get stuck in the “should haves.” Instead think, “how can I learn from this and do better next time?”
Attend a caregiver support group.
Obtain individual counseling to process your emotions.
