The Secret to Social Engagement

Dear Caregivers,

I have a big family, and so having some "me time" alone is sometimes welcome. But according to science, there is a difference between “being alone” and “being lonely.” Recent research in older adults suggests that a person’s own perception of loneliness—even if they are not isolated from others—may be associated with poorer cognitive and health outcomes.

For a caregiver of someone who has Alzheimer’s disease, the finding raises an important challenge for improving your loved one’s level of social engagement: The goal is not simply to keep someone “busy” in a social activity or surrounded with people. The best social activities for your loved one will help them feel they can make a contribution, be recognized for who they are, and feel a sense of accomplishment. In other words, meaningful engagement matters more than simply increasing the number of people in the room.

Here are some ways to help:

START WITH THEIR STORY: What kinds of social exchanges and activities did your loved one enjoy in the past? Cooking and eating with friends? Playing games? Listening to music? Crafts? Focus on creating social spaces where your loved one truly enjoys the activities.

GIVE THEM A ROLE WITH PURPOSE: Don’t just say, “Here’s something for you to do to keep busy.” Instead, say “I really need help setting the table for tonight; can you help fold the napkins?”

ADAPT THE ACTIVITY TO THE PERSON: Make sure the social activity matches your loved one’s current abilities. Use a card holder, for example, if managing playing cards is a problem. Or switch the game to a simpler version, or a different game with fewer things to manage at the table.

COMMUNICATE WITH THEM, NOT “AT” THEM: As best as you can, look your loved one in the eye, ask them simple questions, have the patience to wait for an answer, and do your best to avoid talking about them in the third person when they are in the room.

WATCH THEIR RESPONSE: Since your loved one may not be able to express their feelings clearly, you’ll want to watch your loved one’s reactions to learn what activities they do and do not enjoy. Does your loved one smile? Make eye contact? Join the conversation? Sing along? Have they become more relaxed or animated? Those can all be signs that the experience is enjoyable or meaningful. On the other hand, withdrawal, restlessness, anxiety, irritation, or repeatedly trying to leave may tell you that the activity is too complicated, too noisy, too long, or simply not appealing.

As I said, I sometimes like being alone—but no one likes feeling lonely. In social matters, real engagement is far more important than the size of the gathering.

Here’s some more guidance on social engagement: