Keeping Your Identity
Dear Caregivers,
Sometimes it seems that the world is changing so quickly that you feel like your head is swimming and you are losing your sense of balance. Any transition can be unnerving, and that is particularly true for people caring for a loved one suffering from Alzheimer’s disease.
Your loved one, and your own self, are continually in transition as the disease progresses and new changes and challenges arise. These challenges might include:
Feeling Overwhelmed: Sometimes a caregiver suffers through what is known as “role engulfment.” In this case, a caregiver becomes so consumed in their role and responsibilities they begin to lose a sense of their own identity and feel a reduced sense of selfhood.
Feeling Shunned: Do you feel that friends, acquaintances, and even family members are withdrawing from you since your loved one’s Alzheimer's disease set in? You probably aren't imagining it: This is a common experience that caregivers share with me, and a contributor to your feeling alone.
Feeling Time-Crunched: There is no way around the fact that the currency of caregiving is time, and you spend a lot. Your day is a constant juggling of commitments, which can lead to your having to cut back on living your personal life and having time to yourself.
Feeling the Burden of Intense Emotions. Witnessing someone you love going through a decline from a debilitating disease can take a heavy emotional toll. You may undergo feelings of sadness, frustration, grief, and guilt, all of which can overwhelm your own emotional life.
Feeling That Your Relationship is Imbalanced: As your loved one declines in their abilities, even to the point of not being able to thank you or even acknowledge your efforts on their behalf, it is human nature to feel the sting of a lack of reciprocity in your relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and diminishment of your sense of self-worth.
Feeling That Your Longtime Personal Roles are Eroding: As your caregiving role progresses, your long-standing roles and interactions with your loved one may change as well, leading to insecurity and discomfort on the part of you and your loved one, who may themselves be undergoing the same kinds of feelings and loss of identity.
You can meet these challenges by leaning into some core strategies:
Prioritize Self-Care: This is a number one priority: "Take Your Oxygen First" and make sure you find time for activities that excite and identify you, be it a hobby, form of exercise, spiritual quests, or just spending time in nature.
Delegate Everything You Can: Ask family and friends to lend a hand whenever you see an opportunity. Or, if possible, create a break for yourself by engaging with an Adult Day Center, so you can get some rest and reinforce your sense of self.
Maintain Social Connections: Whenever you can, maintain ongoing relationships with friends and family, even if it means combining activity such as taking a walk while having a “virtual visit” with a dear friend on the phone while you do so. This will help remind you that you have a life and identity beyond that of being a caregiver.
Accept Your Emotions: In the end, having feelings of sadness, frustration, and being overwhelmed are natural, normal responses to your caregiving situation. Recognize this and “give yourself permission” to experience these emotions without self-judgement and criticism. And, seek professional counseling if you are feeling that your emotions are getting the better of you.
Here’s some more guidance on maintaining your identity:
The Challenges of Role Reversal in Caregiving:
You likely spent most of your life seeing your parent as a provider, protector, and decision-maker. Now, it is you who are in the role of being provider, protector, and decision-maker in your parent's life. Here’s how to manage that transition.
Keeping Your Personal Relationships Strong While Caregiving:
The stresses of caregiving can cause significant strains on a marriage or any other relationship. Here’s how to keep stress at bay and keep your personal relationships healthy.
Setting Boundaries as a Caregiver:
As a caregiver, it is essential that you remain committed to your personal boundaries, making sure that you give yourself time and space to address your personal needs for rest, relaxation, and fulfillment. This foundation for positive self-care is vital in improving your well-being. Here’s how to do it.
Remember, if you can’t find the information you need on our website, you can always “Ask NAN” by clicking on this link.
Best,
Rosemary D Laird, MD, MHSA
Founder and Chief Medical Officer
“The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.”
— Toni Collette
