Whether your loved one has recently moved to their new facility and is still acclimating, or has already settled in, your approach to visiting them might change over time, as their memory loss progresses. Here are some helpful tips to guide you in preparing for your visits:
Maintain routine:
If your loved one has a certain daily routine, join them during regularly scheduled activities during your visits. For example, if they enjoy playing BINGO, and that activity takes place during your visit, join them in that activity. Mealtimes are another opportunity to join your loved one for one of their routine activities.
It may even help encourage your loved one to come out of their apartment more often if you join them, as everyone can experience some social anxiety when joining a new activity or eating a meal in a dining room full of people that they don’t know yet. Visiting during these times can be a way for you to help your loved one acclimate and make new friends. This also allows you to meet people, such as caregivers, activity professionals, or other family members.
Introduce yourself:
When you are visiting your loved one living with dementia, keep in mind that sometimes your loved one may remember you, and other times they might not recognize who you are. This can sometimes feel hurtful to you, but remember that someone living with dementia has no control over what they can and cannot remember. It’s best to get into the habit of doing a quick introduction when you arrive for a visit. Saying something as simple as “Hi Mom, it’s me Susan” can provide context, comfort, and reassurance to your loved one. Depending on your loved one's stage of memory loss, it may even be best to refer to your loved one by their first name, as they may be in their mind “living in the past,” before they had children. While making a formal introduction might feel silly, it can help set the tone for a positive visit, instead of fumbling through a conversation where your loved one is uncertain about who you are or why you are visiting. Remember, even though your loved one is living with dementia and processing information differently, they will often remember the way you make them feel.
Avoid contradicting or correcting:
When visiting your loved one, you may notice that the stories they share with you feel untrue, or that the past is jumbled with the present. Keep in mind this is not intentional: For someone living with dementia, the brain no longer processes information like it once did. And, if you find your loved one is “living in the past,” it’s best to avoid contradicting or correcting them with the “actual” facts. The best thing you can do for your loved one is to engage them in conversation and let the conversation flow in any direction that they take it in.
Communication is great for our brains, even if the story is hard to follow or sounds untrue. Work to avoid using the phrase “Do you remember” and instead try asking open-ended follow-up questions such as: “Tell me more…” or “How did that make you feel…” or “Have you ever wanted to…”or “What do you think about...”.
Another common change that occurs as memory loss progresses is one’s perception of time. You might feel discouraged when your loved one expresses “you haven’t visited in weeks” or “why are you leaving after only visiting for ten minutes?” when you’d just been there the day before and the visit today has already been an hour. Try not to take it personally, and instead turn it into a positive situation. Try saying “I really enjoyed our visit today and look forward to our next one.”
Goodbyes can be tricky:
When your loved one lives in a facility, goodbyes can be tricky; they may feel that they are supposed to leave with you. When you engage in a drawn-out goodbye process, such as putting on your coat, looking for your purse, jingling your keys, saying goodbye to your loved one and their caregivers, etc., you are subconsciously signaling to your loved one that you’re leaving, and they may feel they are supposed to leave as well.
Instead, try a more subtle goodbye process: It may be best to “sneak away” while your loved one is occupied with something else. Ending your visit by helping your loved one transition to a new activity, or meal, can help redirect them to engage in something new to do after you’ve left. If you find that your loved one struggles with you leaving, work with the care team at the community and ask for help redirecting your loved one or to help create an intervention when you leave. If you feel that you get stuck visiting for longer than you intended to because you feel guilty about leaving; try visiting before mealtime, this will help build a natural transition and opportunity for you to leave.
This content was made possible through the contributions of Kirsten DeAngelis, NAN Expert.
For more information, see: Supporting Your Loved One Through the Transition to Assisted Living
