Difficult Conversations: Driving
Here’s an empathetic and gentle approach to help you bring up this difficult topic with your loved one:
1. Choose the Best Messenger
At times, having a difficult discussion can be better with a third party, like a doctor or trusted friend. You might also have a family member in mind that your loved one tends to be more receptive to receiving information from. Consider which of these relationships, whether professional or personal, will resonate most effectively with your loved one.
2. Choose the Best Time and Place
Approach the discussion during a time of day when your loved one tends to be more relaxed and alert; for some people with Alzheimer’s disease time of day can impact mood and thinking. Choose a comfortable location.
3. Show Empathy and Understanding
Start by acknowledging how important driving is to them. You might say something like, “Mom, I know how much driving means to you. It’s a big part of feeling independent and being able to go where you want, when you want.”
4. Frame the Issue as a Shared Concern for Public Safety
Use “we” language to show that you’re on their side. You could say,
“We wouldn't want something to happen to you or other people while you are driving. or "We want to make sure you and everyone around you stays safe. Recently, I’ve noticed some things that make me concerned about your driving.”
5. Use Facts or Observations, Not Judgments
Describe any incidents or signs of difficulty you’ve seen in a calm, non-judgmental way. “I noticed last week you had a hard time finding your way home from the grocery store, even though you’ve driven that route so many times before.”
6. Explain the Medical Reasons for Caution
Explain that Alzheimer’s disease can affect the ability to safely judge distances, react quickly, or remember familiar routes. You might say,
“Doctors have told us that memory and your ability to multi-task can sometimes change because of Alzheimer’s. This can make it harder to react quickly on the road, which could put you and others at risk.”
7. Allow Them to Express Their Feelings
For some people, contemplating the ability to drive will trigger a range of emotions, so allow them to express whatever they are feeling. They might feel sad, angry, or frustrated, and that’s normal. Acknowledge their feelings, reassure them that you understand how hard it is, and pay attention to what aspect they are most upset about. It may hold the key to a solution.
8. Reassure Them of Your Support and Alternative Ways to Get Around
Emphasize ways you can make work together so giving up driving doesn't have to be as bad as they are imaging. Offer specific way that you or others can help: “We can make sure you still get wherever you want to go. I’d be happy to drive you, or we can set up rides through services like GoGoGrandparent. You won’t have to worry about parking or traffic, and you’ll still be able to get around.”
9. Offer a Trial Period if Possible
If they’re resistant, suggest a trial period where they don’t drive, and see how it goes. “Why don’t we try this for a month and see how it works? We can talk about how it feels and make sure you’re comfortable with the new routine.”
If they refuse, use your judgement but you may need to stop and come back another day/time. You may also want to refer back to item #1 above and rethink your plans.
10. Take Action if you Must
If they are too much of a danger to themselves or others, and you are not able to make progress with this conversation, you may need to take action despite their refusal to cooperate. Depending on the degree of risk involved, you should contact their Primary Care Provider, memory care specialist, and/or law enforcement.
Related article: Driving and Alzheimer’s Disease: Understanding the Issue and Supporting Your Loved One Through Change
