Keeping an Open "Beginner's Mind"

Dear Caregivers,

Even though it’s been a long time since I was in grade school, I still have the habit of thinking of summer as a new beginning: There were new summer camps to explore, new places to travel, or new “summer friends” to meet.

Bringing this kind of “beginner’s mind” to your caregiving practice is one way to gain a new perspective on your role. As one expert noted, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few.” In other words, if you approach your caregiving role in a fresh perspective each day, you may gain new insights, new potential solutions, and new avenues for appreciating your role.

After all, Alzheimer’s disease is characterized by changes and unpredictability, and so thinking you “already know everything” about something might lead to bouts of frustration. Keeping an open mind can help you keep your balance.

Here are some ways that maintaining a “beginner’s mind” can help:

GREET YOUR LOVED ONE AS YOU SEE THEM TODAY: As the illness progresses your loved one will be changing continually over time. Try not to evaluate the person you see today by comparing them to the person you “used to know, “ as that will foster negative feelings. Consider reminiscing about something you both value from your past—a trip, a family member, a favorite song. Perhaps your loved one will remember it too, or you can gently help them “remember” how it made them feel or what they loved about it.

GREET EACH DAY AS A NEW EXPERIENCE: Your loved one may exhibit repeated behaviors that can be frustrating, such as being reluctant to take a bath at a certain time. Instead of having the attitude, “Why do you always do this?", try taking a different approach and do it at a different time of day, for instance, to make it a new experience for both of you.

GREET EACH DAY AS NEW OPPORTUNITY FOR MORE GOOD MOMENTS: Given the short-term memory loss most people experience in Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias, your loved one may live more and more in the present. And that provides an important lesson: In the end, the present is all that matters. How your loved one feels at any moment—not whether they remember that moment later—is what is important. If you go out to dinner and enjoy the meal, that’s a win! If they cannot recall it later, it does not diminish the good moments that you had.

GREET REPETITIVE ACTIONS WITH A FRESH PERSPECTIVE: I know how hard it can be when your loved one asks a question repeatedly. Consider as a strategy using such occasions as an opportunity to talk about something related to the question, rather than providing, yet again, the same answer. For instance, a caregiver once told me that her mother repeatedly asked when her husband would be arriving home. Making it a more difficult situation, the husband had passed away years ago. I suggested to the caregiver that she use these episodes as an opportunity to explore her mother’s feelings about her beloved spouse, and ask her mother about what made their relationship so special. That strategy didn’t stop her mother from asking again the next day about when her husband was coming home, but it did help foster some special conversations.

GREET YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE AS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE: Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Try to see your day-to-day efforts not with the point of view that “I should be getting better at this!” but rather as being grateful to be present with your loved one, learning something new every day, and accompany that gratitude with a generous dose of self-compassion.

This approach can be hard, I know, but greeting your day with a beginner’s mind can help give you a new way to look at things.

Here’s some more guidance on approaching your day with a fresh perspective: