Dear Caregivers,
When a friend learns that you are the caregiver of a loved one with Alzheimer's, their first instinct is often to say, "Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
Their offer, while sincere, in fact poses a challenging problem—but also an opportunity.
The challenge is that as a caregiver, you are already overwhelmed by your responsibilities, and so don’t have the time or energy to figure out what your friend can do for them—let alone organizing it! What’s more, caring for your loved one with Alzheimer’s can be a journey that lasts for years, with ever-changing dynamics and challenges, and taking an emotional toll on you that can be sometimes difficult for others to appreciate.
But there is also an opportunity there: The good news is that help from friends, family, and neighbors can make an enormous difference in your efforts.
The first step is allowing yourself to accept help—don’t wait until you need to hit the “Help!” button. Then, the key is to give your friends and family very specific ideas for how they can help. Here are some ideas for what to tell them:
DO SOMETHING CONCRETE: Do you need some grocery shopping done? Ask your friends to do that for you while they are shopping for themselves. Or suggest they bring dinner on a specific night. Or mow the lawn or pick up dry cleaning. Make a list of the five things you need to accomplish outside the house, and give them to five friends to do for you!
GIVE THE GIFT OF TIME: As a caregiver, having time off is pure gold. If your loved one enjoys a friend’s company, have them come by the house for an hour or two to stay with your loved one while you take a walk, get your hair done, or just sit in the park. Even a short break can provide welcome relief from the demands of caregiving.
BE A GOOD LISTENER: Caregiving can be the hardest, and loneliest, job in the world. And sometimes all you need is someone to talk to about what you are going through. Ask a friend to get get a coffee together, or take a walk, or just sit in the sun—and just talk. You may find that having someone to talk to, without judgement, can be a balm for the soul.
DON’T DISAPPEAR: With an initial diagnosis or big change in the course of the disease, friends may rally in their support. But over time, offers to help may fade as the long-term reality of the disease takes hold. Ask your friends to set up a regular, ongoing schedule to visit and lend a hand, and to keep in mind that what you need help on today may be very different from what you need tomorrow.
Caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's is a difficult journey, and you should not try to go it alone. Keep in mind that asking for help is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is one of the best ways to ensure that you will be able to care for your loved one for as long as they need your help.
Here are more resources on how to build a network of support:
The Basics of Adult Day Centers:
Adult day centers offer supervised care and activities that are tailored to meet the needs of people living with Alzheimer's. Adult day services can help provide respite to caregivers, while at the same time ensuring that your loved one receives safe, compassionate, and attentive care. Here’s a guide to how to find the right fit for your loved one.
Keeping Your Personal Relationships Strong While Caregiving:
The stresses of caregiving can cause significant strains on a marriage or any other relationship. Here’s how to keep stress at bay and keep your personal relationships healthy.
Time Management for Caregivers:
While there isn’t a way to create more time in the day, there are methods that can help you get the most out of every minute. Here are some strategies to help manage time effectively and free up time for yourself.
Best,
Rosemary D Laird, MD, MHSA
Founder and Chief Medical Officer
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another."
— Charles Dickens
