Planning for a Funeral
It’s a curious aspect of American culture that while it is inevitable that everyone will die at some point in their life, no one seems very eager to plan for that eventuality.
But, talking to your loved one now about funeral plans, no matter how far off, will save you a large amount of aggravation and uncertainty in the future and, in the end, will give both you and your loved one some precious peace of mind once the details are settled. And this is particularly important for caregivers of loved ones suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, as the potential for cognitive decline in the future will only make such conversations harder.
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR LOVED ONE
It’s not easy to discuss dying, funerals, and memorial services for the people you love. Indeed, one survey showed that 89% of adults believe that discussing their end-of-life wishes is important. Still, only half had that discussion with their family members.
Having that discussion, however, particularly for caregivers of loved ones with Alzheimer’s, is critically important. According to experts, there is no “best time” to have such a discussion. Instead, you should simply bring it up as you might for any planned event. For instance, you might say to your loved one, “This may be an uncomfortable topic, but we need to discuss your preferences for a funeral service and how you might want to be remembered. I want to make sure we’re doing it in a way that suits your wishes.” Another option may be to begin by discussing how you’ve been thinking about your own funeral plans.
REMAINS
Burial: If your loved one prefers a burial, you need to determine where the remains will be buried. Does your loved one have a particular cemetery or family plot in mind? If so, look into options to pre-pay for a plot at that location. Also, check to see if your loved one has a preference for a gravestone or plaque and any particular quote or saying on it.
Cremation: An alternative to burial, cremation uses a furnace to reduce the remains to ashes, or “cremains” that are typically stored in an urn. These ashes are not a health risk, and may be buried, kept by family members, or scattered at a site. Ask if your loved one wants the urn kept with the family, or scattered in one or more locations, or buried in a graveyard.
Green Burial: An ecologically-sensitive option is a so-called “green burial”, in which the remains are put into a biodegradable casket and the remains are not embalmed (embalming is not, in fact, necessary as a public safeguard.) This type of burial has a much lower impact on the environment.
Donating to Science: One option that has the benefit of furthering knowledge and medicine is donating the remains to science. Often this option is lower-cost as well. Learn more here: https://www.pcrm.org/ethical-science/animal-testing-and-alternatives/donate-your-body-to-science
FUNERAL SERVICE AND MEMORIAL:
Here are some questions you may want to go over with your loved one:
Is there a particular location or institution where they would like their service?
Are there particular aspects your loved one wants to include in a funeral service? Any that they would like to leave out?
Should the service be religious or non-religious?
Do they want particular photos to be displayed? Do they have a preference for flowers?
Is there a reading they would like to be recited?
Is there something your loved one would like the funeral attendees to understand about their life?
Does your loved one have a charity or cause they would like people to donate to in their memory?
For your love one’s obituary, is there any particular knowledge that they would like to pass on to others? Is there anything about their life that they would like to be remembered for? Any achievements they would like to be noted?
COSTS
Though the cost of a funeral can vary depending on the various options, on average it will cost about $8,000. Cremation funerals are slightly less expensive. These costs can include transfer of the remains to the funeral home, embalming, cremation, flowers and music, and creating an obituary notice. Fees for cemeteries are typically extra and vary widely depending on location.
Leaving money aside to pay for a funeral can be complicated. Your loved one may leave money for the funeral as part of their will, but these funds may be tied up in probate for many months and so may be unavailable at the time of the funeral. Your loved one can pre-purchase a plan from a funeral home, but this could be complicated as they may decide to move out of the area. There are also Payable-on-Death bank accounts, where money can be put aside and only released in the event of a death. Veterans can explore applying for a burial subsidy by following this link: https://www.va.gov/burials-memorials/veterans-burial-allowance/
MISC:
It is a critical part of planning for death to have a list of all information about your loved one’s insurance, investments, bank accounts, and mortgage, as well as all necessary login information for digital services such as a mobile phone, iPad, email, Apple or other digital ID’s, and social media accounts. In many cases after a death a social media account may be shifted to a “memorial” page.
In the end, planning for death should be like planning for any other significant event in one’s life. And the sooner you have that accomplished, the more peace of mind you and your loved one will have.
