Difficult Conversations: Financial Affairs
Even in the most loving families one subject is often taboo, especially between parents and adult children: Money. It can be an emotionally charged topic and no matter how much or how little there is, it is often considered a highly private matter. Unfortunately, when Alzheimer’s disease is progressing there are many ways financial affairs can become problematic. Individuals can forget to pay bills and incur fees, taxes can be done incorrectly or not at all, extravagant and unnecessary purchases can stretch resources, and poor investment choices or a financial scam can eliminate a nest egg. Given this risk, understanding the financial resources of your Loved One is a critically important job for Family Caregivers.
Strategies to Start the Conversation:
“What if” questions and the resulting conversation that follows are often a good strategy to use to open discussion about challenging topics. “Mom, what if you were sick and I needed to pay the bills? Can you take me through your system? If she balks, ask “if you don’t want me to do it, who would you feel ok with doing it?” Sometimes this will identify a key ally you can use for this particular need.
Should that not work the following strategies require “lying with love.” Some family caregivers are not comfortable with this, but in my experience, it is often the more compassionate approach to protecting your loved one’s interests.
The “Me too” strategy suggests that you encourage your parents to join in as you find a financial planner to “help you since taxes have gotten so complicated.” Of course, you will have explained the situation to the financial planner ahead of time. This has the added advantage that it is a 3rd party. In some cases that is preferred.
Talking about “your friend” whose father was healthy and then had an unexpected illness and no one knew how to pay the bills. This is like the “What if” questions, but sometimes it is more successful this way.
Tips for a Successful Conversation
Plan Ahead
What is your Goal? What do you need to get out of the conversation?
Choose the best time of day and best location.
Do you need anyone else in the conversation?
Assume the Best
Assume everyone involved is doing their best and has no ill will
Keep it positive and assume you will get to a positive outcome, at some point. (It may not be at the first conversation!)
Plan (and Practice) your Opening Comments
Sometimes getting started is the hardest part! Write out your thoughts and craft the most succinct version you can. Keep in mind your loved one’s abilities. You may need to adjust to that as well. Consider written materials if appropriate.
Plan for Bumps in the Road
You likely know some of the rebuttals or push-back you might receive. Plan your reply.
If they throw something unexpected in, that’s ok! Now you know. Use that information to help you address their concerns.
Plan for the Next Conversation
Even if you didn’t reach your goal with the first try, if you’ve kept a positive and respectful tone, you will probably get another chance.
Keep track of the concerns raised and seek out advice to work around it
