Tips for When Your Loved One Doesn’t Recognize They’re at Home
Your loved one may not recognize the home where they’ve lived for many years, or perhaps they’ve just moved into your home, or a facility. In either scenario, it can be upsetting if they start asking to “go home.” Here’s how to cope.
It’s not uncommon for our loved ones with memory loss to have confusion about their surroundings. There may come a time when they don’t recognize their home where they’ve lived for many years. Or perhaps you’ve just moved your loved one into your home or a facility. In either scenario, it can be upsetting if they start asking to “go home.”
First and foremost, this is a normal behavior for someone living with dementia and is nothing to be worried about. However, it can be stressful when a loved one asks to go home repetitively. Below are some tips to help you navigate this challenge.
First, focus on how they are feeling, not only what they are saying.
Validate their feelings: Something as simple as validating your loved one’s feelings can go a long way in making them feel safe. Remember, their brain no longer processes information the same way ours does. Sometimes asking to go home is more about the need for reassurance and less about understanding where they are and the home itself. Assure your loved one that you are together, and you are in a safe place.
Don’t correct: Avoid bringing your loved one back to your reality by telling them things like “you live here,” “we sold your home,” or “you can’t go back there.” When someone is living with dementia, their brain processes information differently. Correcting their thought process won’t help them understand. It’s best to redirect the conversation if possible. When someone talks about wanting to go home; it’s often not about the physical location. Instead, reassure your loved one that they are safe where they are. It can help to ask your loved one questions such as “What do you miss about home?” or “What would you do if you were there right now?” This provides our loved ones with an opportunity to reminisce and feel understood.
Use calm, clear, reassuring language: Reassure through positive body language such as eye contact, smiling, and gentle tone of voice. When we are feeling anxious, others usually pick up on this. Remaining calm and reassuring can go a long way towards helping your loved one feel relaxed and secure.
Engage the senses to help your loved one relax: As your loved one’s brain progresses through stages of dementia it can be helpful to engage their other senses. This can be done through things like baking, essential oils, weighted blankets, or having something comforting to hold on to such as a rosary or a fuzzy blanket.
Next, see if you can find a pattern to their upset. If you notice your loved one becoming distressed, you may help to avoid a major upset!
Check for distress and observe nonverbal cues: A loved one may be asking to go home because they are distressed in their current environment, and they can’t quite articulate this to you. Imagine not knowing where you are, or if this is a place you are supposed to be; imagine feeling confused about how you arrived or what time you are supposed to leave.
Nonverbal cues:
Elopement (trying to leave)
Looking in other rooms
Fidgeting
Tugging on clothes or hair
Pacing around a room
Identify triggers: Take care to avoid creating a trigger for a behavior. Sometimes, unknowingly we are the trigger for our loved one’s behavior. For example, if your loved one lives in an assisted living facility and you have a long goodbye every time you leave (put on your coat, look for your purse, jingle your keys, say goodbye to your loved one and the caregivers) you’re subconsciously signaling to your loved one that you’re leaving and they may feel they are supposed to leave as well. Instead, try a more subtle “goodbye” routine. It may even be best to “sneak away” while your loved one is occupied with something else. This same thing may happen when people come to visit your loved one at your home. A quiet goodbye may be best if you notice your loved one becomes distressed when people are leaving.
Similarly, your loved one may try to leave at certain times of day. Thinking back to your loved one’s former daily routine can be helpful for clues to their behavior. For example, did they used to leave work, or pick up kids from school, at a certain time? If so, it could be helpful at that time of day to redirect your loved one by saying something like “It’s a beautiful day outside, will you join me outside for a glass of lemonade?”
As always, especially when challenges arise, remember to “Take Your Oxygen First!”
Be mindful of your own stress level. Watch for signs of caregiver burnout such as exhaustion, irritability, sleep disturbances, depression, and a sense of detachment from caregiving duties. If you are feeling this way, seek support for yourself.
Keep in mind, whether you use conversation or an activity to redirect your loved one, the goal is to take their focus away from their worry to help ease their anxiety. Here is a handout you can complete as you discover what techniques work best. Be sure to share it with anyone that provides care for your loved one: Think FAST!
This content was made possible through the contributions of Kirsten DeAngelis, NAN Expert.
Source: Jewish Family and Children’s Services
Source: Teepa Snow’s Positive Approach to Care
